I've been a fan of the Chuck Norris Top 100 for a while, but I like the Jack Bauer one more because a lot of the facts are pseudo-truths based on the show 24 itself, which I watch (although a lot of them are duplicates from the Chuck Norris site). My unprioritized top ten based on the show are:

• Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
• The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
• Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
• If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
• On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
• Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
• Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.
• Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
• Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
• Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

If I had to add my own, it would be:

• Jack Bauer's willingness to sacrifice your life is directly proportional to how well he knows you. If he says "Hello" to you on the street, drop whatever you're doing and run in the other direction or prepare to be killed in some overdramatic fashion--maybe not this season, but it will happen once he has accepted that he is powerless to help you.

6/5/2006 10:09:33 AM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)      Comments [0]